Dead pokemon suicide 666
WARNING: This is a
legitimately true story and CIA case and not fabricated by some 15 year old
with too much free time on their hands. Trust me!!!!!!!!
I have been a huge
pokemon fan ever since I was born, much like most aspies on the planet. I prefer the x and y generation, but I don’t mind red and blue. However, after
the horribly traumatic incident I went through, I don’t think I can play any
pokemon game ever again, or any game for that matter.
You know what pokemon is
even if you don’t. The simulator where you go to dangerous habitats and beat on
poor animals to capture and use for battles before peta gets on your ass. One
night, I was in my dorm room, playing pokemon heart gold, because as I said,
big pokemon fan. I like how you enter through the store door. Suddenly, I got a
text on my gameboy saying that their is a new pokemon game available on Ebay. I
took the mouse and dragged it to the link from the email and clicked it to get
to the website.
After waiting for it to
load for 10 seconds, It showed the website and the product. It was titled “dead
pokemon suicide 666”, but the picture showed a cartridge of pokemon snap, the
one where you take pictures of pokemon, which gives me a nostalgic erection
because fanboy. The only difference is that it looked like it was photographed
and with marker written on it, blood red and saying “pokemon snap”. Even though
this scared me horribly because of how different it was, I was also pissing my
pants with excitement, and immediately purchased it. Two seconds later, the
package was in the palms of my fingers and hands. When I opened it, it didn't
look like the original cartridge, and had a dead pokemon with red blood all
over it saying “You suck pokemon”, except hyperrealistic, whatever that means.
I then popped it into the ds and
it immediately went onto the title screen. When I saw it, I was already
disturbed because the screen was different from the original. It had blood all
over the screen like it was real, the pokemon was demon eyed, and the title had
666 written all over it. The most disturbing thing was the press start text. It
was completely normal, almost their was no change. The screen was only on for a
split second.
I then pressed started
the a button to start the game instead of the start like it asked, and it gave
me a heart attack. The game started, and it had pikachu walking around the
lavender town, without me pressing anything. Nothing seemed scary about it,
which totally doesn’t build up anything scary. Suddenly, something scary
happened! A magikarp came out of the forest and killed my pikachu, along with
my other five pokemon, leaving entrails and pools of gore everywhere on the
screen because blood is so scary because blood. I couldn’t take this possibly
hacked games scare factor, so I did the sensible thing and broke it with a
chainsaw, killing it forever, leaving no evidence for anybody to find.
After doing so, I
realized something about the pokemon universe. It's not escapist fantasy games
for children, or a popular franchise for children, and that game isn’t fake or
a rom hack that some really talented game designer created in his spare time.
Pokemon was the very embodiment of the devil, and magikarp is the very
gatekeeper of its torture on the human soul due to killing fictional characters
that don't factor real life in the slightest. We are all playthings of the
pokemon world that we control ourselves and I shall not take part of it because
I am a big pokemon fan.
Then when I turned
around to check on my bed, which was dirty, I saw the most horrifying thing
that I could ever see. It was…. a magikarp plushie with 666 written on it.
I then suicided and
died, leaving no evidence for anybody to find.